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6teen: Dude of the Living Dead/Script
is napping at Stick It. A pair of green eyes stare at him angrily. Coach Halder: "WAKE UP!" Jude: "WHOAOAOA!!!" falls over, and a bottle of hot sauce falls into his pot of sauce. "I didn't skate on the table, Mom!" consciousness "Oh, hey, Coach Halder." Coach Halder: "I heard you've got the spiciest chicken in the food court here." Jude: yawning "Do you want ridiculously spicy or insanely hot?" Coach Halder: "Call me crazy, but I'll take the insane one!" laughs. "Get it? Get it?" pulls the spoon out of the pot to find it's melted. Jude: "You sure about this, dude? It's pretty hot." Coach Halder: "Bring it on, wetnap! I love it!" shrugs and serves the man a stick it. Halder takes one bite and collapses to the floor in pain. Jude: "Whoa." Halder writhes violently. "No way." Halder spits fire, and this sets off the sprinkler system. This douses his pain. Coach Halder: up "YEAH! That puts hair on your chest! I'll take two more." Jude: "You got it dude, and these are on the house. That was awesome." Halder bites into them and resumes his wailing again. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Dude of the Living Dead' ---- ''is with Caitlin while Wyatt, Nikki, and Jonesy ring the table. Jude walks up. Jude: "Dudes, dudettes, what's happening?" Nikki: "Well look who woke up. Didn't I see you napping on the job back there?" Jude: "Long night, bra. Up until four A.M." friends stare at him. "What? I was only two hours late." Wyatt: "Have you actually sold anything today?" Jude: "I served someone." Nikki: "Oh, and now?" Jude: "Now I'm on my break. I'm gonna go back to work, as soon as I grab a little nap." Nikki: "You know, there's such a thing as too laid back." ignores her, leans back, and looks at the ceiling. On the floor above him, he sees a creepy dude. He looks away, startled, and then looks back. The creepy guy is gone. Jude: "Huh?" shocked "Did anybody see that–" realizes he doesn't know what to describe it as. Jonesy: "See what?" Jude: "The really freaky dude, who just walked by?" Caitlin: "I didn't see anything." Jude: "Hmm..." Nikki: "I think you need to get some more sleep, Jude." pulls his cap over his head. Jude: "Hmm." his face "Yeah, I guess so." approaches the table. The teens don't notice. Nikki: "You know, the human brain needs at least seven hours of sleep, and in your case, maybe more." Jude: "Why do you think I was taking a nap?" the creature approaches, various people see it and do their best to avoid it. Nikki: "Have you ever thought of, oh, not staying up all night?" Jude: "Sure, but then I'd miss all those wicked B-movies." Nikki: "Yeah, that's why they have a little thing called DV–" table notices the monster and gasps loudly. We finally get to see its face. The monster is Jen, with a giant pimple in the middle of her forehead. Jen: "What're you guys staring at?" Nikki: "You mean you don't know?" Jen: "Oh, you mean this?" it off "Ah, whatever. It's just a little zit." Jude: "I've never seen one that big before!" Jen: "Well it's not that big." Jonesy: "Dude, it's big." Jen: her hand over her forehead "I knew it! My mom said nobody would notice it!" Jonesy: "Yeah, right." Jen: "Caitlin! You know about this stuff! Help me out!" Caitlin: "Okay, but I don't know if what I have on me is strong enough." tries some concealer. It has no effect. Caitlin: "Wait a minute." gets up and walks about twenty feet away from Jen. "Well from back here I can kind of not see it." Jen: "I can't go around like this! I've never had a zit before!" Nikki: sarcastically "Oh, I feel so sorry for you." Talon: "So, wanna catch an afternoon movie?" Caitlin: "Sure. I was thinking that we–" is distracted by a grunting. Tricia has arrived. She has a strange, deathly pallor about her. Caitlin: "Hold on a sec. I'll be right with you." Talon "So, how about we see–" grunts again and extends her ams towards Caitlin. Caitlin: "Okay okay, here." gives Tricia a lemonade, and her former friend leaves. "Hey! You forgot to pay me!" Talon "Three words: Spray on tan. That girl needs some color." Talon: "I'd better get going too. Catch you later cutie." Caitlin: "Okay. Later!" Jude "Hey, I think Starr's waving at you." looks up. Starr is waving at him. She crashes into something, and the gang wince, but she gets up. Jen: "Ouch." Nikki: "That had to hurt." Caitlin: "Ooh." waves at Jude. Jude: back unenthusiastically "Hey." Jonesy: "What are you doing, man?!?" Jude: "What do you mean?" Jonesy: "I mean, why are you sitting here with us when she's over there?" Jude: "I have a strategy. I'm waiting for her to come to me." Nikki: "See? This is what I mean about you being too chilled out for your own good!" Caitlin: "She's right. You'll never get her back if you don't make a move." Wyatt: "You did puke in her mouth, man." Jude: "I'm just afraid she'll reject me again." Jonesy: up "Fine. Be a loser with no date. I've gotta go to my new job." Nikki: "So then it is true! You took the job at Not Quite Naked?" Jonesy: "Yeah, so? Selling fine lingerie is a perfectly respectable job." Nikki: "I know about the peephole in the change room." Jonesy: "I resent that accusation. That hole is only urban legend." Jude: whispering "Dude you said you saw it!" Jonesy: back "Ssh, I did, but if everyone finds out about it they'll patch it up!" Nikki: "Jonesy, you can't work there! Staring at women while they change is a total violation of privacy." Jonesy: "I don't know what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me?" ---- is at work. He is hiding in a changing room, looking through a hole. He calls Wyatt. Wyatt: "Hey." Jonesy: whispering "Dude! What a view! This is awesome!" door opens "Wait! Here comes someone." few seconds later "Jackpot!" Wyatt: chuckling "Jonesy, this is insane! You can't do this!" the background of Spin This, a ghastly, grey-skinned Serena walks around. She comes up to Chad, bites him, and shoves him over. Jonesy: whispering "Dude, I'm not gonna see anything I haven't seen before." Wyatt: "Hmm. Cleverly rationalized. I guess as long as, you know, you tell me everything, I'll be able to let you know if you're going over the line." Jonesy: "Okay. She's blonde, hot, and she's taking off her coat–now her sweater–want me to keep going?" Wyatt: "Yes." Jonesy: "Okay. I've got some jean unbuttoning action. Yes. Jeans definitely coming off." angry girl slams his door open. "Aah! I-I was just, um, uh testing. What it felt like to wear a bra. So I can help the customers better." girl doesn't buy it, but she closes the door again, leaving him in privacy. Jonesy sighs, relieved. Jonesy: his phone "Did you hear all that?" Wyatt: "You are a bad, bad man." comes by, looking pale, and collapses in front of Wyatt. "Jonesy, gotta go." runs out to check on Chad. "Hey man, are you okay? Are you sick or something?" grunts as his flesh starts turning grey. Serena comes by. Wyatt: "Hmm. Hey Serena. What's up with Chad?" doesn't respond. "Okay then, I can see you guys are in a bad mood. That's cool. I think I'll take another break." ---- and Kirsten are trying to trade shifts with Nikki. Kirsten: "Come on, Nikki, just trade us next weekend for the weekend after!" Nikki: "Hmm. Let me think about it. Uh-uh." Kristen: "What difference does it make?" Nikki: sarcastic "Oh, yeah, that's right. I don't hang with football players. So I have no life." Kirsten: "That's what we thought too!" Nikki: "Go bother somebody else." waves them off. Kristen: affronted "We'll be back." Chrissy: in the store "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!" Chrissy's Friend: "What's up, girlfriend?" ---- is by a closed lemon. Wyatt comes by. Wyatt: "Hey, where's Caitlin?" Jonesy: "I don't know, but I'm dying of thirst here. It was pretty hot in that change room, if you know what I'm saying. Huh?" Wyatt: "No doubt! Hey, I think something's wrong with Chad and Serena." Jonesy: "Yeah, they're together and you and Serena aren't. I know, dude. If you need a reason not to like the guy, I've got a good one: She dumped you for him. However, I do know what will make you feel better." heroic "Wonder Taco!" leads his friend to the store. Wyatt: "All right, but I'm telling you, something weird's going on in there." ---- two make their way to Wonder Taco only to find nobody behind the counter. Jonesy rings the bell for service. Julie hauls herself up from under the counter, and the guys scream. Her pallor is deathly as well. Jonesy: "Oh, dude, it's just the taco chick." grunts. "Just kidding, Julie. You know we love you. Duece tacos por favor." heads off to get them. Jonesy's phone rings. "It's Nikki. Staring at girls through change room doors, blah blah blah." comes back with their tacos. Her thumb is in one of them. What Jonesy chooses to focus on, however, is her broken retainer. "Might want to brush that grille. Hold this." hands the tacos off to Wyatt and starts texting Nikki as they walk to their regular table. "Nikki: Mind your own business or I'll tell everyone at school how bad your feet stink." takes his taco from Wyatt. "Thanks." Wyatt: "So if everyone knows about this peephole in the change room, why doesn't every guy apply there?" Jonesy: "They do. But they almost never let guys work there." takes a bite of his taco. Wyatt raises his thumb-infested taco but then lowers it. Wyatt: "How did you get the job then?" Jonesy: "I told them I was gay." Wyatt: "Smart." raises his taco again, but stops before biting into it. "Gotta hand it to you, Jonesy. You really know–" slaps Wyatt's taco out of his hand. Jonesy: "AAAH! THAT FINGER WAS IN YOUR TACO!!!" Wyatt: it "GAAAHH!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING! Whose is it?!?!?" Jonesy: "Does. It. Matter?!?!? It's a dead finger, dude! Do you get the feeling something weird is going on here?" Wyatt: out "I'm starting to, yeah." ---- is at the Penalty Box, trying to figure out a way to hide her zit. Caitlin: "Guess what Talon did yesterday." Jen: paying attention "What?" Caitlin: "He called just to say goodnight. He is so incredibly sweet." Jen: "How did it get this big? When I went to bed last night, it wasn't even there!" Caitlin: "It's not that bad." Coach Halder: out of nowhere "MASTERSON! What's that thing on your face?" Jen: her hat down "Nothing. Just a little zit." Coach Halder: "Little? Why that's a champion zit you've got there. HEY DOBBS! Check this out! This is the MVP of zits right here! Yeah!" Dobbs walks by, looking pale. Jen: "Coach, you're embarrassing me!" Caitlin: "See? Charlie didn't even notice it." Coach Halder: "Dobbs! Over here! You've got to see this pimple, son! It's a Gipper!" Halder strolls off. Caitlin resumes talking about her boyfriend. Caitlin: "So, I really think Talon's like, the one. I wonder what we'll name our kids?" ---- is doing yoga at Vegan Island. Jude stares at her dreamily. A cowboy comes up to Stick It. Jude: "How can I help you, dude?" cowboy just stands there, breathing heavily. He has the strange deathly pallor seen in the mall today. Jude: "Dude, if your gonna order something, just tell me." cowboy groans. "How about the new cheesy fish stick-its?" cowboy grabs him by the throat. Strangled "Dude, if you're that hungry, why didn't you just say so? Try these." holds a spicy stick-it up to the cowboy. Cowboy: "HHIIIEEEEEAAAAHHHEEEEEIIEEE!!!" collapses. Jude: "'Kay, sheesh! Harshing my mellow, bro!" ---- slips into the changing room once again for another show. He calls Jude. Jude: "Yo." Jonesy: "Dude, drop whatever you are doing and get down to Not Quite Naked." Jude: "Be there pronto." Jonesy: watching "I've got the best job on the planet." watches as the girl in the stall starts to remove her clothes. Suddenly, a grey Stuart Goldstein bursts in. Jonesy: "What is that?" watches as the girl battles the rampaging pharmacist. Stuart bites her, and she drops to the floor. Jonesy: "Aah!" turns towards the sound. Jude: "What's going on?" Jonesy: scared "There's something in there!" noises stop. Jonesy quietly creeps up and looks in again. Suddenly, Stuart pops up in front of him. Jonesy: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- Jonesy: "AAAAAAAHHHH!!! HELP!" monster starts to break down the wall. Jude: "Jonesy! I'm coming, dude!" breaches the wall. Jonesy: witless "No! It isn't–" monster grabs his throat and slams him against the wall. Jude, who has picked up Wyatt, runs to the store. The greeter stops them. Greeter: "Wait. You can't go in there." Wyatt: "It's okay. We're gay." eyes bug. "I'll explain later." Jonesy: "HELP!!!" guys race over and open the door. Stuart is clawing at Jonesy, who is barely holding the deranged pharmacist off. "Get him off me, guys!" takes a bra on a hook and places it over the man's eyes. He and Jude then drag Jonesy out of there. Wyatt: out of the store with his friends "That ought to hold him for a while." stop. Jonesy: panting "Okay. He totally ruined the peephole. That dude is going to pay!" Wyatt: "We've got to warn the girls!" ---- Khaki Barn is infested with the grey-skinned monsters. The Clones are gathered behind the counter. Chrissy: "Have you guys noticed that the customers seem pushier today?" Kirsten: "Yeah, they're pastier, too." Kristen: "And they're not really paying." hiding out by the changing rooms, calls someone on her phone. Jen: "Zits-R-Us." Nikki: "Okay, don't laugh, but zombies have taken over the Khaki Barn." Jen: "Yeah yeah, Khaki Barn customers all buy the same stuff." Nikki: "No, I'm telling you, these customers are not normal." Jen: "Listen, Nikki, there's no such thing as zombies." her, Charlie Dobbs bites Coach Halder. Nikki: "When have I ever lied about anything?" Jen: "Let's see. When you missed your curfew last week, when you told your sister her fish died of natural causes...I have a very important pimple to deal with here!" Halder, now a zombie, gets up and rips Charlie Dobbs' arm off. He tosses it away and goes towards Jen. Jen, intensely concentrating on her compact, sees the grey-skinned beast in the mirror, and her eyes widen. Zombie Coach Halder: "Masterson!" screams, drops her compact, and makes a run for it. She grabs a hockey stick. Jen: her boss "Coach! This is not–" hit "–not very–" hit "–sportsmanlike of you!" last hit cracks his head so that he's facing completely backwards. Jen gasps as Coach Halder reaches up and turns his face back around, seemingly undamaged. Jen: "AIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Zombie Coach Halder: "Masterson!" jumps at her and lands in the penalty box. Jen puts two hours on the timer. Jen: "Ha! Yes! Two hour penalty for unnecessary roughness!" ---- guys move through the mall slowly, avoiding zombies. Jen comes up to them. Jen: "Guys, I am so glad to see you. The weirdest thing just happened to me." zombie children attack Pokey the Panda. Jen: "Pokey! Are you okay?" gets up zombified. "Okay. That was pretty weird too." Wyatt: his fear "C'mon. The Khaki Barn's right around the corner." ---- the Khaki Barn, the Clones have realized that something's happening here and they don't know what it is. The Clones: scared "Help?" Wyatt, Jude, and Jen peek out from a clothes rack. Wyatt: whispering "Ssh! Where's Nikki?" Chrissy: "Hiding from the customers! What's going on?" Wyatt: "I don't know! But stay there!" rush over to the changing rooms. Jude collides with a mannequin, and it falls over with a huge crash. The zombies stop, but then resume their rampage as though nothing happened. Wyatt kicks open the door to a change room. Nikki: "AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Jonesy, Jude, and Wyatt: "AAAAHHHH!!!" Jonesy: "It's just us!" Nikki: "What is this? The brave guys coming to save the girl? Because I don't need rescuing." hand slips under from another change room and grabs her leg. "GAH! Okay, okay I do!" Jen: "Guys, let's get out of here?" five race away from the Khaki Barn. Outside, Jude remembers something. Jude: "What about the Clones?" look back inside. The zombies are advancing on the three blondes. Jonesy: "I'll distract them! You guys get the Clones." runs through the Khaki Barn. "AAAAHHH!!!" zombies turn towards the noise and follow him. The other four beckon the Clones out. Jen: "Okay Jonesy, run!" runs out of the store, and the band of survivors shut the doors on the zombies inside. ---- fearful human runs through the mall. The survivors peek out from behind a stand. Jonesy sees a zombie. Jonesy: "Aw man, not her too! I was gonna ask her out, and now she's dead." Wyatt: "Everybody's dead, bro." Jen: "Okay, we don't know that yet." usher from the movie theater falls from the second floor onto the ground. The survivors gape as he gets up and walks off. Jen: "Okay. They might be dead." Jude: "Guys, I think I know what they are. This is just like that movie, 'Dead Morning Denver.' They're zombies!" Nikki: "Duh." Jonesy: "Don't zombies create new zombies when they bite someone?" Wyatt: "Exactly. Which is why we've got to get out of here." Kirsten: "So if they're biting people, they're not dead." Kristen: "No, they're un''dead." '''Jen:' "It doesn't matter if they're dead or undead. What matters is that we're all safe." Jude: "Wait. Aren't we missing one of us?" Jonesy, Wyatt, and Nikki: remembering "Caitlin!" ---- survivors make their way to the food court and are greeted with an appalling sight. The zombies are rocking the closed lemon. They send it rolling, and it pops open. Jen: relieved "She's not there. I'll try her cell." calling "Ugh! Voicemail! C'mon! Let's check her favorite stores." ---- Albatross & Finch is deserted. Nikki: "I don't see anyone." zombie Greeter God suddenly pounds on the window. Two zombie Greeter Goddesses join him. Kirsten: "Oh no! They got to Albatross & Finch too?" Kristen: "Wait. If they're all zombies, it's like a hundred percent off sale in there." and Kirsten titter and head inside to pick up some free merchandise. Jonesy taps on the glass by Jill. Jonesy: voice "Oh yes. You're so scary behind that glass, aren't you? Yes you are! Yes you–" zombie hand taps him on the shoulder. A Greeter Goddess has found a way out. "Huh? Uh-oh. Kidding! I was just kidding! Run!" six remaining make a break for it. ---- survivors peer out from behind a photo booth. Nikki: "What is happening to our mall!?!?" Kristen: next to them with Kirsten "One of them just scratched me with her perfect manicure. I hate them!" Jen: "Okay, everyone think. What was Caitlin doing this afternoon?" Wyatt: "Wasn't she going to the movies?" Jen: "Yes! She's with Talon! So she should be safe!" Jonesy: "Yeah. As long as he hasn't become infected." ---- is in a nearly empty theater with a bucket of popcorn. Talon arrives with his bucket. Talon: whispering "Check it out! Some kid in the lobby bit my hand." Caitlin: "Oh, hun! Do you want to go?" Talon: "Nah. I'll be fine. It's not deep." and Caitlin sit and watch the movie. Talon pales and groans slightly. His eyes roll back in his head, and he turns into a zombie. He turns towards Caitlin, ready to bite–and gets a mouthful of gum for his trouble. Caitlin: the pack away "I totally want to kiss you too, but not-so-fresh breath, sweetie." brown hand taps her shoulder. The rescuers have arrived. Jen: "Psst! You have to come with us." Caitlin: "Huh?" grabs her and yanks her off to come with them. Talon leans forward and eats the seat in front of him. Jen: "Haven't you noticed anything strange around here lately?" Man in Audience: "Ssh!" dreadlocked zombie bites him. "AAAHH!!!" Jen: Caitlin out of the theater "Let's go!" Caitlin: "But he's fine!" Jonesy: "Trust us. He's not." ---- survivors make their way to the food court. Darth: out "Halt! Be you zombie or human?" Nikki: "Relax, Yoda. We're human." puts his lightsaber away. Darth: "The zombies headed to the south end of the mall a little while ago." Jen: "They'll be back." Darth: "If we can get to the Stereo Shack, we can watch the news and find out exactly what's happening." Nikki: "Let's do it!" Kirsten: "But that store's all the way across the mall! We'll never make it!" this, Zombie Chad comes for them. A hand grabs him from behind a wall and proceeds to pull him in. The owner of the hand does vicious things to the zombie before ripping off all its limbs. He then steps out. The zombie killer is none other than Mr. Mall Security himself, the one and only Ron the Rent-a-Cop. Ron: "Don't play games with me maggot." Jonesy: "The rent-a-cop. Man, are we glad to see you!" Ron: "Hmm. Prove that you're not zombies." Nikki "Say something." Nikki: "You wear your pants way too high." Ron: "Okay then." Jen "GAH! What is that thing on your face?" Jen: "It's just a zit." Ron: at it "Hmm. It could be one of them." Caitlin: "Excuse me, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom." Jen: "Wait! It might not be safe!" Caitlin: "Don't be silly. I'll be right back." Nikki: "Okay. What do we know so far?" Ron: "Well, it's probably just a pimple, but we can't be too careful–" Nikki: "About the zombies!" Jonesy: "We know a bunch of people look like they're dead, but they're not." Jen: "They're trying to bite us." Darth: "They're not afraid of lightsabers!" Ron: "I've locked down the mall, so until help arrives, we're the only chance we've got." Caitlin: "Look who I found!" has taken Talon, put mittens on his hands, tape over his mouth, and is leading him on a leash. Jen: "Cait, I hate to break it to you, but Talon's...not exactly Talon anymore." Ron: "He's dead as a doorknob." Caitlin: "Okay, just because he's a zombie is so not a reason to dump someone. Look how sweet he is!" Jude: "What's the tape on his mouth for?" Caitlin: "So he doesn't bite me." Jen: "Exactly!" Caitlin: "Plus he has really bad breath." Jonesy: "Yeah. Eating flesh will do that to you." Caitlin: "I am not bailing on him. Oh, by the way, they love eating jujubes. I found a bag of them in his pocket. Watch. Talon, sit." does as commanded. Caitlin then takes the tape off of his mouth, and Talon roars. The roar echoes throughout the mall and draws the attention of the other zombies, who start to flock to their comrade. Caitlin: "Good boyfriend!" gives him a jujube. "See?" survivors hear something, look up, and gasp. The zombies are coming towards them. Wyatt: "RUN!" take off. The zombies give chase. Jen: "Head for the elevator!" make it to them, and Nikki tries to call one. Jonesy: "Push it! Push it!" Nikki: "I'm pushing it!" Jonesy: "It's moving too slowly!" Nikki: "It'll be here." Jonesy: Nikki in front of him "Here, take her, she's a bigger meal!" elevator approaches. Jude: "Come on, come on..." Caitlin: "Hurry, elevator, hurry!" elevator dings, and they hustle in. The zombies bang on the door, but it's too late–elevator going up! As the survivors crowd the elevator, a DawgToy song plays. Jen: "Good song." elevator opens on the second floor, and the survivors race to Stereo Shack. Darth fumbles with his keyring. Ron: "We'll open the store. You, girl with the goiter." looks shocked. "Grab some weapons from the Penalty Box." leaves. The zombies get on the escalators and start coming for them. Jen comes back with weapons as the store's doors open. "Listen up. I need everyone in the store. NOW NOW NOW!" stops Caitlin. "You've got to leave that undead boyfriend of yours behind." Caitlin: "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a guy who's cute and nice?" Ron: "Listen to me, soldier. I don't care what kind of fancy boy-dog collar you have on him. The boy is dead!" if to prove this, Talon lunges at him. Caitlin: "Okay, fine. Lock him out." Ron steers her inside "I love you Zombie Talon!" Nikki: close the doors "Push guys, they're getting in!" door shuts, severing Talon's arm along the way. It lands in front of Jonesy, Caitlin, Jude, and the Clones. Every one of them but Caitlin screams. Caitlin: "I can't believe it. I finally find the perfect guy, and he's a zombie!" Ron: "Alright people. The store is secure." Darth "Yo, let's find the news." switches on a television set. A news broadcast comes on. Male Newscaster: "Our reports indicate that they crave living flesh, have not much reasoning power, and seem to have similar behavioral patterns as they did when they were alive. Except that now they are harder to kill. Our sources say the only way to destroy them is to knock their heads off." Kirsten: "We're all going to die!" Nikki: "This is a life-and-death situation!" Caitlin: "Can someone please tell me how I'm supposed to get through stage one of a breakup without ice cream?!?" Kristen: "Yeah. I'm starving." coughs, and her skin pales. Her friends gasp. "What are you staring at?" Nikki: "Um, were you this color this morning?" Wyatt: "Did you get bitten?" Kristen: more zombielike by the minute "No, just scratched." moans, zombielike, then covers her mouth in shock. Kirsten: "You're totally undead!" Ron: "Alright people. Let's not panic. The situation is completely under control." situation gets worse, as all the electricity in the mall goes out. Screams rise from the survivors. ---- late afternoon sunlight filters through the mall. Caitlin sits in a corner of Stereo Shack, sniffling and clutching Talon's severed arm. Caitlin: sniffling "This is so bad." Nikki: "Oh, it's okay, Caitlin." realizing "Wait a minute. Is that an arm you're holding?" Caitlin: "It's not just anyone's arm, it's Talon's arm! The arm he used to put around me at the movies. And now he's undead!" resumes weeping. Nikki: "You don't think it's a little weird to keep his arm?" Caitlin: "Look, I just need to get through Phase One. The eat everything in sight phase." Nikki: away "Okay then." Ron: "Speaking of which, we may be here for a while, so we need to take stock. What have we got in the way of rations?" survivors look at each other uncomprehendingly. "Food, people! Food and drinks!" Kirsten: "I've got some strawberry gum!" Darth: "I have a half-grilled-cheese sandwich and a bag of chips." Jude: "I have some insanely hot stick its in my pocket. I always travel with a little schnack. Never know when you're gonna get the munchies." Ron: "Good. That's real good thinking, son. I'm putting you in charge. Hold on to all the rations until I give you the go-ahead. Got it?" Jude: "Right on, capitan! I will not fail you, dude." Jonesy: "You mean we don't get to eat it now? But I'm starving!" Darth: "Worry not. A Jedi can survive weeks on his mental strength alone." Nikki: "I give him a few hours." Jude: "And don't get any ideas about bribing me with say, a video game, or anything in exchange for food." holds up a handheld system. "Thank you." another part of the store, the Clones are gathered. Kristen is totally zombified. She takes a bite out of Chrissy. Chrissy: "Ow! You totally bit me!" gasps. "Oh no. I'm so undead now." Kirsten: "No fair! You guys are gonna be undead and I'll be like, un-un-dead!" Nikki: "You mean like, alive?" Kirsten: "Yeah, alive, and out of the loop!" Kristen "Bite me! Bite me bite me!" takes a bite out of clone. Kirsten: "Ow!" realizing "Yay!" Nikki: her eyes "Unbelievable." Jen: at her zit in her compact "I think it's actually getting bigger!" Caitlin: "It's probably just stress. Or the large fries you ate yesterday." Jonesy: "Mmm. Fries." Wyatt: "Do you realize I haven't had a coffee since breakfast?!? This is not good." Nikki: "How long have we been here anyway?" Ron: "Listen up! We're at war here! I've seen war before! I've seen rocket launchers take out my bowling buddies on the battlefield!" flashes back. "I've crawled for twenty hours on my belly with nothing to keep me going but worms and dirt!" in reality "So I don't want to hear any whining out of you babies right now! You got that?" is greeted with a pleasant silence. Ron: "Very well. Now, we'll have to formulate a plan of survival." grabs Nikki's hand, and she yanks it skyward. "Yes. You there." Nikki: "I think we have a little problem here." Ron: "Give it to me straight, soldier." Nikki: off her attacker "Kristen looks pretty hungry." Jonesy: worried "For human flesh?" Nikki: "I don't think she's looking for a Powerbar." Kirsten: "Kristen's fine. She just needs some color." her and Chrissy are pale. Chrissy: "I know!" Chrissy and Kirsten: "The sparkle scarf!" tie it over the fallen clone's mouth. Caitlin: "Oh, that is so cute!" goes over, and Kristen growls. "Okay okay, I'll get my own!" Wyatt: "All three of them are infected. They'll all be zombies soon!" Jonesy: "And we'll be zombie chow!" Darth: "We can lock them up in the back room." Chrissy: "You can't lock us up." Jude: "You know, this is exactly what happened in House of a Hundred Corpses. These six unexpecting teenagers take pity on this creepy hitchhiker dude, and then they all get cut in half." Jonesy: "That's it, lock 'em up." and Kirsten gasp. Kirsten: "Wait! You can't do this to us!" Ron: "Get your undead butts moving, girlfriends." Clones tromp to the back room. Jonesy's stomach rumbles. Jonesy: "Yo, can we have some food now?" Ron: "Can we have some food now what?!?" Jonesy: "Can we have some food now sir?" Ron: "Alright! You!" looks up. "Lazy kid in the corner. Divide up the rations." looks down. The food is gone, and there is a hole at the base of the door. Jude: "Hey, where'd the food go?!?" looks into the mall. Zombies of Yummy Mummy, Stanley, and a punk teenager have stick-its. As he watches, they each start eating. Soon enough, though, they scream and die. Jude: "Whoa. That was some serious suicide sauce." Ron: angry "I thought I told you to guard those rations son." Jonesy: "Dude! You lost all our food?" Wyatt: "We're going to starve to death!" Caitlin: "Oh, I don't know how to get through a breakup without food! How could this happen?" Nikki: "Um, lemme guess. Sergeant Crazy here left Jude in charge?" Jude: "But I did score ten thousand on the game." Wyatt: sarcastic "Way to go, Jude." Jen: "Okay, nevermind. I've got a plan. Form a posse, get to a breaker, and turn the mall lights back on." Ron: "Quiet soldier! I'm in charge here! Now, we're going to form a posse, get to a breaker, and turn the mall lights back on." growls. "My security vehicle is parked outside." Nikki: "I'm coming with you. Anything's better than dying here with the Clones. And Jonesy's coming too." Jonesy: "No way!" Nikki: "What's the matter, Jonesy? Not man enough for the job?" Jonesy: "Sure I am! But if I'm going, Wyatt's coming too." Wyatt: "O...kay." Ron: "Good. Now, we're going to need some communications equipment." Darth: "I powered up these walkie-talkies for the away team." Nikki: "The away team? Okay, you're enjoying this, aren't you?" Darth: her "This is my top-of-the-line model. It has beep tones that you can program yourself, sixty-seven channels, and a forward–" grabs one. Ron: "Uh, that's enough, son." ---- mill about the mall. Three dead ones lie a few feet from the Stereo Shack. Ron's cart is parked nearby them. Ron cracks open the door and looks out. Ron: "It's up to us now, troops. We are going to cut a path of righteous anger through those hordes of maggots and we are going to survive if it kills us! Is that clear?" three teammates look at him, cowed. Jonesy and Nikki are armed with hockey sticks. Ron: "I said is that clear!" Jonesy, Wyatt, and Nikki: "Sir yes sir!" four exit the store in a single-file line. Caitlin, ready to close the door behind them, spots Talon. Caitlin: "Talon, it's me!" goes over to the zombie. "Oh, are you still mad about locking you out?" growls. "I have your arm." puts his hand on her shoulder and leans in for a kiss. Jen: "Caitlin! Get back in here!" yanks Caitlin away from the zombie. Caitlin: "But we still have a connection! I don't mind your stinky breath or even your pasty skin! Talon!" pushes Caitlin inside and shuts the door. Darth hands her the home team's walkie-talkie. Jen: "We're in! Go!" Ron: "FRRRREEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!" cart moves through the mall at an exceedingly slow pace. Wyatt: "Does this cart go any faster?" Ron: "No." pass some old people. Jonesy: "Look out! More zombies, straight ahead!" Old Man with Cane: "Who you calling zombies? Show some respect!" bonks Jonesy with his cane. Jonesy: "Ow!" Wyatt: the pulse of one of them "He's got a pulse! They're still alive." old man hits Jonesy. Jonesy: "Ow!" Old Man with Cane: "We may be slow, but we're not dead yet, buddy boy!" two old men hustle forward as the golf cart breaks down. Wyatt: "Oh no, what's wrong with the cart?" Ron: "Ah, looks like the old girl's bit the dust." Nikki: "You mean we're stuck here?" zombies spot them and approach. "Well that's just perfect." Ron: "Listen up. My hand's all played out. I'm done for. Save yourselves." Wyatt: "But–" Ron: "Here are my keys. There is a breaker inside my office. You can turn on the power from there." Jonesy: "No! We won't leave you!" Ron: "The captain always goes down with his ship. Now run!" Jonesy: quavering "Yes sir!" Ron: "Good to be back in battle, eh soldier?" Wyatt: "Uh, yeah. I guess." stands up and addresses the crowd of zombies. Ron: "YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? HUH? COME AND GET ME!" Jonesy: whispering "Let's get out of here." Nikki: whispering "Right behind you." three slip away from the cart, leaving Ron to his fate. Ron: "COME AND GET ME, ZOMBIE SCUM! COME ON, YOU UNDEAD ANIMALS! I'M WAITING!" Wyatt: "There's Ron's office up ahead!" Ron: massacred "AAAAAHHH! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT? IS IT?" torn apart "THE HORROR!" Jonesy: watching "Dang. Didn't know he had it in him." run to the door. Nikki: "Unlock it!" Wyatt: "There must be a hundred keys here!" Jonesy: "Well pick one!" Wyatt: "You used to work for Ron! Which one is it?" Jonesy: "How should I know! I only lasted a day in that job, remember!" Nikki: "Guys, we've got company!" zombies are coming. "Hurry!" Wyatt: trying keys "No, no, nuh-uh, no, c'mon, c'mon, no coffee for three hours and now this?!?" ---- Stereo Shack, Jen, Darth, Jude, and Caitlin are listening to the broadcast. Wyatt: "No, nope, uh-uh–" Nikki: "AAAAHHH!!!" Jonesy: "Oh! Aaah!" Caitlin: "Oh, this sounds bad. Hold me." uses Talon's arm to hug her. Jen: "Okay, that does it." grabs the arm and uses it to slap Caitlin. "Snap out of it, Caitlin! It's just an arm!" throws the arm away. Jude: "Whoa. That was kinda cool." Jonesy: "Why'd you have to volunteer me for this suicide mission? I could be kicking it back at Stereo Shack right now!" Nikki: "All you had to do was say no! Or would that have squelched your oversized male ego?" Jonesy "I think you like my oversized male ego." Nikki: "Ha! Dream on!" Jonesy: Zombie Ron "Guys, I think we're back on Ron's bad side!" growls at him. Wyatt: "Ah that's it, I got it! C'mon!" trio stumble inside. Ron follows them in, clutching at Jonesy. Jonesy: "Oh man, come on, no way!" swats Ron with her hockey stick, and Jonesy shoves him out and slams the door on the zombies. Nikki: "Now that's the rent-a-cop we know and love. Any idea how many there are now?" Jonesy: "I don't think there's more than, what, ten? We could take 'em." if to contest this, Ron stands up and leers at them. Wyatt: "Alright. Let's fire this baby up." turns the circuit breaker on. power comes on and the lights come up. All around the mall, things turn back on and the lights shine bright. Starr looks up from under the counter, gasps, and ducks back down. The cameras all around the mall come on, and broadcast to the video terminals in the security room. Jonesy: "Uh-oh. There might be more than ten." Wyatt: "We're surrounded!" only are things going badly for them, but things are pretty bad in the Stereo Shack as zombies hammer on the shut doors, trying to get in. Jude: "Whoa, brutal!" Jen: "You can say that again! Ron's a zombie, Nikki, Jonesy, and Wyatt are trapped on the other side of the mall, and we have no escape route!" Jude: "I meant your zit. I think it got even bigger, dude, I–" zombie reaches through the door and yanks Jen backwards. Jen: "Aaah! Help! Lemme go!" Darth: "Fear not! Trust the force and it will protect you!" puts his helmet on. "Where'd I put my lightsaber?" Jen: "AAAH! AAAH!!!" Darth: "I'm sure I left it here somewhere." Jen: "IT'S GONNA BITE ME!" and Jude rush forward and try to wrest her away from the zombie Carson. What the zombie notices, however, is Jen's zit, and he abruptly lets go of her. Caitlin: Jen up "Are you okay?" Jen: "No! Even zombies are grossed out by my zit!" looks back towards the door angrily. The door seems to be close to breaking. Jude: "Those dudes seriously want in." Darth: "The perimeter is compromised! I estimate we have–seven minutes before the gate breaks! Now where's that lightsaber?" Jen: "Great! I'm gonna die with the world's biggest zit!" Caitlin: "And I'm gonna die single!" start crying and hug each other. Jude: "And I never had enough guts to ask Starr out again." TV turns on. Male Newscaster: "Back to our lead story, the war on the zombies." Jude: up and powering up a lightsaber "Sweet!" Male Newscaster: "Our latest reports indicate that the city has safely quarantined all zombies inside the Galleria Mall." Wyatt: "But what if we're still inside the mall?!?" Male Newscaster: "If any people are still inside the mall, well it looks like you'll probably die." Jonesy and Wyatt: "Ugh!" Male Newscaster: "Boy, I'd hate to be one of those poor suckers in that mall today, huh Barb?" chuckle. "Guess we'll all have to go to the West End mall from now on." laugh again. "There is, however, one crucial piece of information that any survivor in the mall should be aware of. Authorities strongly advise survivors to–" power to the TV goes out. Jude has cut the cord playing with the lightsaber. Jude: "Whoa. The force is strong in this one." Darth: "My lightsaber!" Jude: it over "Here you go, dude. Might want to be careful with that." Jen: "Jude! That newscast was our last hope for getting out of here alive! Can't you take anything seriously?" Jonesy: the walkie-talkie "Not cool, buddy, not cool!" Jude: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I–" spots the dead zombies again. "Hmm. Whoa, that was weird." Jen: "What's weird?" Jude: "Those dead undead dudes outside the store, the ones who ate my insanely hot stick-its." dawns on him. "That's it!" ---- security central, the zombies are trying to get in. Ron breaks the door. Jen: the walkie-talkie "Nikki, what can you see on the security cameras?!?" Nikki: "The zombies are everywhere!" Wyatt: "There are no other survivors in the whole mall! It's hopeless!" Jonesy: "Wait! There's someone out there! On top of Vegan Island!" Nikki: "It's Starr! She's surrounded by zombies!" Jude: "Starr's in trouble?" steely glint enters Jude's eyes. He takes out his cell phone and calls someone. Starr: up scared "Hey." Jude: "Starr? It's me, Jude. I called to say that you're not gonna get eaten. Hang in there! I'm coming to save you!" Starr: scared "Oh? Okay, cool. But if you get eaten on the way, I just wanted you to know that I really like you." Jude: "Excellent information to get at this time. I'm on my way!" hangs up. A banging comes from the back room door, and it bursts open, spilling out three blondes. Jen: "The Clones are out of the closet!" Jude: them with his skateboard "Back! Back! Undead zombie!" forces them back into the closet and slams the door on them. Jude: "Jen, walkie-talkie." tosses it over. "Alright, dudes. Calm down and listen up." music plays as he speaks. "Shopping malls were created not to facilitate commerce and increase community spirit, but to provide teenagers a place to exercise their inalienable right to hang out, screw up at their jobs, and waste time!" door behind him starts breaking. He grabs the arm poking through behind him and throws it away. Jen: "Gross!" Jude: "Where would we slack off if we didn't have the Galleria Mall to go to? Back to Wyatt's basement? No!" Jonesy: "You can say that again." Wyatt: "What's wrong with my basement?" Jonesy: "It smells weird down there dude." Jude: "So in conclusion, are we gonna roll over and let some undead dudes take our mall away from us?" Jen and Caitlin: "Heck no!" Jude: "So who's gonna kick some zombie butt?!?" Jen and Caitlin: "We are!" Jonesy: "Stupid undead grey-faced bad-breathed–" Caitlin: "–no-brained, overeating–" Nikki: "–beady-eyed, inarticulate–" Wyatt: "Human-hating flesh-eating zombies!" Jen: "So what's the plan, Jude?" Jude: "See that pile of dead undead dudes out there?" Jen: "Uh-huh." Jude: "They're dead 'cause they ate my insanely hot stick-its!" Wyatt: "So your hot sauce is–" Jude: "Zombie killer sauce!" Jonesy: "Sweet!" Jude: "Nikki, Jonesy, Wyatt. You lure the zombie dudes to the food court so we can blast 'em with sauce." Wyatt: "How do we get them there?" Jude: "They're hungry, right? Tell 'em there's a huge sale at Stick It!" Jen: "Yes! Jonesy, you guys can announce it from Ron's office!" Jonesy: "We're on it!" Caitlin: "But–how do we get to the food court?" Jude: "It's just like that movie, Cemetery in the Sky! All these business dudes were trapped in a skyscraper overrun by zombies!" Caitlin: "How did they escape?" Jude: "Through the air ducts in the ceiling. And so will we, dudes!" ---- at the security house, the zombies are getting restless. Nikki: "Hurry!" Wyatt: "I see a panel over Ron's desk! This just might work!" walks over and taps the microphone. Jonesy: "Attention all zombie shoppers, have we got a deal for you! Free stick-its for the first one thousand customers! And I know you're hungry!" announcement goes out over the mall PA. Caitlin: "Where did you get such amazing ideas?" Jude: "I've seen a lot of horror movies." zombies break through the gate. Jen: "They're inside the store!" Clones break loose. Darth: "This way! We can climb the shelves." goes up, then Jen, then Jude. Darth is about to climb when he gets bitten by Kirsten. Jude: down "You're next, dude!" Darth: "I can't! I've been bit!" Jude: "Dude, no!" Darth: "Go on without me! I'll be okay!" Jude: "You're one brave dude, Darth! We'll never forget you!" inhales and exhales deeply. Darth: himself "I've been waiting for this moment since I was a young Padwa. This Jedi Knight's not going down without a fight." opens his lightsaber and quickly begins decapitating zombies. "Oh yes." Jen, and Caitlin watch from inside the vent. Caitlin has brought Talon's arm. Jen: "Caitlin, what's this doing up here?" Caitlin: "I couldn't just leave it behind." Jen: "Give me that!" two fight over it. Below, Darth continues mowing down zombies. Darth: "Yes! Muahahahaha!" arm falls and conks him on his head. He goes down, and the zombies begin to feed on him. "NOOOO!!! AAAH!" the security room, Jonesy looks at the screens. Jonesy: "It's working! They're starting to head for the food court!" zombies break in. Luckily, Wyatt and Nikki are on the desk under the vent. Wyatt: "C'mon, I'll help you up!" boosts Nikki into the vent and jumps in himself. Jonesy jumps onto the desk and starts raising himself up. Ron grabs on to his legs. Nikki: "Hurry!" kicks Ron free and climbs into the vent, slamming the vent door shut. He pants heavily once inside. Nikki: the walkie-talkie "We made it!" Jude: "Cool. Now go pick up supplies for the hot sauce. Jen, Caitlin, you get us water soakers and rope." Caitlin: "Got it!" Jen: "Right on!" Jude: "Now let's brew up some sauce and kick some zombie butt!" ---- six crawl through the vents. Jude rolls on his skateboard. Jude: "Catch you at the food court, dudettes. I've got a chick to save!" continue onwards. After getting some rope, they split up, with Caitlin getting some bows and arrows, Jen getting the squirt guns, Jonesy getting the hot sauce, and Wyatt getting...a coffee? Nikki: him "Wyatt!" ---- is on the roof. The zombies have nearly reached her. One of them grabs her leg. Jude: a rope beside her "Hey, bra. Need a lift?" Starr: "Jude!" lifts her away and into the vents. The zombie drops from her. They crawl to Stick It. Starr: "Thanks for saving my life, Jude. You're like, amazing." kisses him as his five friends drop down beside him. Jonesy: "Alright Jude, score!" kiss ends. "Full points for not puking in her mouth this time, man." Jude: "Alright, dudes, the lunch rush is about to begin, there's lots of hungry zombies out there." Jen: "Let's do this!" cocks her gun and notices Caitlin is crying. "C'mon, Cait, look alive! We need your firepower!" Nikki: "You're not still bummed about Talon, are you?" Caitlin: whimpering "Mmm-hmm." Nikki: "Exactly how long did you say this depressed phase would last?" Caitlin: "I'm not due to hit my angry phase for another, like, four days or so." Nikki: "Caitlin, have you ever considered what Talon was thinking, turning into a zombie when you were just getting to know him?" Caitlin: "No..." Jen: "And how selfish was he to go all undead on you just before the prom! I mean, how could he do that to you?" Caitlin: "Yeah." it over "You're right!" angry "I deserve better than that! Undead jerk! Hand me one of those soakers!" tosses Caitlin one of the guns, and she pumps it. The zombies approach the food stand, and the survivors prepare to make their final stand. Wyatt takes a sip of coffee. Jude: "Ready...and...fire!" sauce starts flying and the zombies start dying. Wyatt sees Chad. Wyatt: "Oh, this is gonna feel good! So long, chick-stealer!" hits Chad. "Yes!" Caitlin: Talon "I can do so much better than you!" Goldstein approaches the stand. Jonesy: "You're gonna pay, buddy! This is for wrecking the best gig I ever had!" zombie gets a full-frontal blast of hot sauce. The fighters look out and see destroyed zombies all around. Wyatt: "We did it!" Starr: her gun "Good thing too. We just used up the last of that madness sauce." Caitlin: "Jude, you did it! You're amazing!" Jen: "Who knew that you could come up with such a brilliant plan that would save the whole mall?" Jonesy: "Thanks, man!" Wyatt: "You rule, Jude." bump fists. Nikki: "Guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news–more zombies!" zombies are coming. They attack. The first to go down is Nikki, bitten by Kristen. Jen goes next, biting it due to the sudden appearance of Coach Halder. Wyatt goes down after this, eaten by Serena. Jonesy is next, attacked by Ron, and Caitlin dies when Kyle Donaldson and Tricia bite her thighs. Starr: worried "What do we do now?" Jude: "Not a lot of options...how about one last kiss?" Starr: "Sure." start kissing. As they kiss, Jude opens his eyes and sees the zombie of Jen rise up. He watches as she raises her arms, puts her hands to her forehead, and her fingers to her zit. She then proceeds to squeeze and pops it, sending pus onto his and Starr's face. This triggers a gut reaction, and he pukes in Starr's mouth. He and Starr scream, and the world spins. ---- wakes up on his bedroom floor with the TV playing. Male Newscaster: "Alright all you ghouligans. That wraps up our twenty-four hour monster movie marathon! Stay tuned for more!" turns off the TV. Jude: "Whoa. Gotta stop staying up so late." chuckles. "Wicked movies, though." suddenly falls over on his bed and falls asleep. ---- comes up to the regular table and takes a seat. Jude: "Dudes, dudettes, what's happening?" Nikki: "Well look who woke up." Jude: "Long night, bra. Up until four A.M." Nikki: "Yeah well, you should get more sleep. You look like the living dead today." Jude: "Whoa! What did you just say?" Starr: "Hi Jude." waves at him, and Jude waves back. "How's it go–" skates into a pole. Nikki: "Ooh! That had to hurt." goes over to help her up. Jude: "You okay?" Starr: "Yeah." Jude: "You wanna go out tonight?" Starr: "Yeah, okay. Sure." Jude: "Cool." skates off, and Jude goes back to the table. Jonesy hi-fives him. Jonesy: "Nice moves. I thought you'd never ask her out. Where'd that come from?" Jude: "Long story, dude. I had this really heavy dream last night, and–" hears a slurping and looks over at Jen. On her forehead is a giant zit–exactly as in his dream. Jen: "What?" Jude: "WWWHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" Category:Season 1